Personal relationships can be complicated, and the best handbook I’ve found on how to navigate these relationships is the book of Proverbs. Proverbs 4:7 tells us to “…Get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding.” If you value wisdom and understanding, then you’ll find them in relationships; and there will be a cost. As I start my seventh decade of life, I’ve had the blessings of both enduring relationships and broken ones. Through all of them, God has been present to mature and change me for the better. For today, I’d like to tell you about three of those relationships.
When I was eleven, my family moved from Los Angeles to Gardena. Making new friends was not easy. I lacked confidence, felt physically awkward, and was extremely shy. It wasn’t until 7thgrade, did I begin to feel accepted. One girl in particular, reached out to me and embraced me as a friend. Her name was Karen. By the end of my 7th grade year, her friendship gave me two life-long gifts. The first gift was to invite me to church where I found Jesus as my Lord and Savior. The second gift was her unconditional love which taught me how to love myself and believe that I could be loved by others.
Sadly, when we were 16, Karen died in a body surfing accident at one of the local beaches. Her death drew hundreds of people to her memorial service and led dozens of young people to Christ. From this loss I learned that good can come from tragedy and that what truly matters is not how long we live, but how well we live and how well we love others. This loss also made me keenly aware that life is fragile and that there are mysteries we may never understand. It was from this early experience that I purposed myself to know God and to discover what plans he might have for my life.
Later in my late twenties, I met another friend named Melinda. Although she was a bit younger, we shared common interests and had been part of the same college fellowship. We were also in the same profession and shared experiences as medical oncology social workers.
Melinda’s life was upended when her husband was diagnosed with liver cancer. He was only 30 years old. His illness progressed so fast that he passed shortly after the diagnosis. It was a painfully difficult time for Melinda, but just as her life found stability in a second marriage, she was diagnosed with breast cancer and passed away much too soon at the age of 44.
When Melinda learned that her cancer had metastasized throughout her body and that the prognosis was poor, she invited me to visit her in Sacramento where she had relocated. I made a 24 hour trip to see her. Like two school girls at a slumber party, we talked through the night. She had tumors in her brain, and as former oncology social workers, we both knew it wouldn’t be long before her cognitive abilities would decline.
Melinda surprised me that night by telling me she actually knew a lot about me before we ever met. She wanted me to know, after being friends for more than 15 years, that while she was an undergrad at UCLA, she had become a close friend of my former college boyfriend, someone I had dated for nearly four years. After we broke up, she spent a great deal of time with him. I’ll never know what he actually said about me or whether her impressions of me were good or bad, but what I do know is that Melinda was gracious to set aside preconceived notions about me in order for our friendship to flourish. She also honored this former friendship with my “ex” with discretion and fidelity, maintaining the privacy of whatever was spoken until the end of her life.
The disclosure was an unexpected blessing. God knew that I still needed healing from that long ago break-up, and knowing that Melinda was there for someone I once deeply cared about was God sent. It revealed to me that without our always knowing, God actively orchestrates the relationships around us. It was also a reminder for me to hold close what is often shared in confidence, even when those relationships have moved on. I was glad I made that trip to see her. Within a few months of this visit, Melinda went home to be with the Lord.
Lastly, there was my friend Joyce. Our friendship spanned 45 years. We were roommates at UCLA, maids of honor at each other’s weddings, and held shared memories of people and events that shaped our values, our vision for life, and our purpose for living. We were opposites, but it was a great friendship. Joyce was extroverted and optimistic. I was more introverted and serious. Joyce was confident and willing to try new things while I was reserved and cautious. She was a catalyst for joy, and I offered her sober restraint.
In 2014, Joyce also went home to the Lord. During the last 25 years of her life, she battled lymphoma and later leukemia. Through those years, God answered our prayers for length of days. She showed many of us how to rest in the confidence of God’s promises and how to wait for them. She wasn’t easily discouraged and never lost her buoyancy. She had a profound impact on those who knew her.
When I think of Joyce, I think of “adventures in life.” She took me and others with her as armchair travelers. Friends do that. We live vicariously through each other. We experience other worlds as we listen and watch our friends go to places we might never go, experience things we might never experience. By being an armchair traveler with Joyce, seeing how she lived her life and sharing in the twists and turns of that life, made my life richer and fuller.
Personal relationships are complicated, but there are tremendous blessings to be had if we’re willing to risk the emotional ups and downs that come from being imperfect people needing each other. Wisdom and understanding are a huge part of those blessings, and we meet God in the risk taking. Loss and sorrow are inevitable when we love. I’ve had my share, but it’s been worth it. I’m not daunted. I’m not afraid. I John 5:15-18 affirms this:
“And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.”
May we live in love, live without fear, and live like Jesus together.
Eleanor